My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
