Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
