Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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