It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
