I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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