I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
