Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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