The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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