I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
