Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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