I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
