just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
