he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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