My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
