im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
