Having a random hookup so left but love u
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
3pm strippers are depressing
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
