I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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