I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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