My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
