My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
