Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
