i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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