I have demons in me.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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