I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
