Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
