Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
