My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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