I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
