census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
