So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
