at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
