I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
