You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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