No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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