I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
