Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
