Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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