allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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