9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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