i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
