I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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