I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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