fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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