Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
this boner is exhausting
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
