it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
