just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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