I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
