I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
