Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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