I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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