By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
